As a gay man, there are a number of things that I'm supposed to love and somehow just don't. I'm not good at interior decorating, my knowledge of show tunes is only passable at best, I'm not a good dancer, I don't like "Sex and the City" or Barbra Streisand, and I have an irrational fear of drag queens. You know how some people are terrified of clowns, but can't really explain why other than to tell you that they're just creepy and wrong even though they fully recognize that there's actually nothing wrong with those people and that their performance requires a lot of practice and effort? That's how I feel about drag queens: baseless, irrational fear, except that now, after Monday night, I've learned that I have reason to fear drag queens.
They throw their shoes at you.
On Monday I went to the Lambda Student Union's "Flames of Knoxville" drag show, to be supportive of some of my students. I know a bunch of the Lambda members, but also had been invited by a former student and current staff member, who was doing drag for the first time and very excited about it. As this was the first drag show I have ever attended sober, I was dubious but supportive, and agreed with another friend that we should sit in the front.
Things started out ok. The emcee performed an opening number followed by an evening of bad jokes that fell mostly flat, and then we saw some really bad hairography when the girl on the left lost her wig halfway through her number:
Also, I've been waiting months to use the word "hairography" in a sentence.
There were some funny acts, and a couple of drag kings:
and then the first warning sign of danger. This girl:
did a cartwheel off the stage that almost hit Will and I right in the faces. He leaned left, I leaned right, and the feet flew by somewhere in between. Maybe the front row was a bad idea, but there was no time to move before our friend came on.
We weren't sure what name he was going to use, since his facebook poll had been non-definitive, but there he was, singing Christina Aguilera as Candy Galore:
He was great.
The drag queen after him, though, left us with questions:
Joan Jett? Juliette Lewis in "Whip It"? That chick from "Twilight"? We never got an answer, because then this happened:
That's about five seconds before the shoe came flying at me, when she decided to start stripping:
and then flung her wig, clothes, and shoes into the audience as hard as she could.
That shoe rebounded a good six feet after hitting the chair to land there on the carpet. Also, after the stripping, there were pushups:
Honey, I'm not an expert on drag or anything, but you're doing it wrong. You should ask this girl for some pointers:
She can dance, strip, and take tips with her mouth while crawling across a stage, and no one was injured. If not her, then tragic shoe-throwing drag queen could also take tips from cartwheel girl, who took the stage a second time:
or from Lady GaGa:
who carefully removed some of the stickers comprising her outfit during the performance:
Hell, he could even take pointers from Candy Galore, who not only came back for a second set:
but closed out the show with a duet:
On the other hand, tragic shoe-throwing drag queen should refrain from taking advice from this girl:
because that dress is fugly. Seriously fugly. That's like three different dresses on top of each other, and none of them go together.
And even if you listen to none of the other drag queens, tragic shoe-thrower, you should listen to me. Next time you decide that you should perform your second set in a bikini top and a wrap, at least put in enough effort to shave your stomach and chest:
You look like one of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey".
And also, please stop throwing your shoes at people.