Thursday, December 22, 2011
Ferro Lad, Invisible Kid, and the True Meaning of Christmas
...Superboy comes flying into the future to visit Legion Headquarters for the holiday:
Our headquarters was under reconstruction at the time because Omega, a giant monster that Brainiac 5 created one of the times that he was insane, destroyed it. We couldn't use the Miracle Machine to rebuild in under a minute like the last time that happened, because Matter Eater Lad had to eat the Miracle Machine to defeat Omega and the other Omega that Brainiac 5 created when the first one wasn't crazy and destructive enough by itself.
That's a story for another day, though, and shouldn't be confused with the time Brainiac 5 went crazy and built a Supergirl love-robot in his sleep, or the time he went crazy and framed Ultra Boy for murder, or the time he almost went crazy because he thought Sensor Girl was Supergirl in disguise.
Anyway, Superboy is wandering around the new headquarters when Saturn Girl and Phantom Girl decide to use the mission monitor board to show him how we celebrate Christmas in the future:
And also how we celebrate other holidays, or don't celebrate at all:
Rather than check in on the rest of the team or ask how Christianity managed to spread through the entire galaxy in only a thousand years, Superboy instead gets a wild impulse, and forces the rest of the team to play along:
Forget anything I said about Brainiac 5, because that, right there, is the face of insanity.
The team hops in the cruiser, abandoning the mission monitor board because, I guess, emergencies and crime take the night off for Christmas, and zips through space to where they think the Star of Bethlehem was. Instead of the star, though, they find a planet, and it's in trouble:
I have no idea why it'll take the evacuation arks so long to get there. The Legion cruiser took all of about ten minutes. Anyway
Ferro Lad, how many eggnogs have you had already? I'm trying to finish the story.
Nobody wants to hear that crap. That story isn't fun or exciting. It's just weird. Really weird.
Look, people. The Legion works with the three races on Planet Doomed and convinces them to work together to keep each other alive until the arks can get there. The end. Merry Christmas.
You just ruined the story.
You ruined Christmas, Ferro Lad.
The hell I did! Go have a rumnog and adjust your headband, Kid. I have a story of heroism and explosions, and that's what Christmas is really all about.
Since "Die Hard", Kid. Since "Die Hard". Now, like I said, pour yourself a rumnog, have a seat, and I'll tell you all about:
As you can see from the intro, it's already a thousand times better than that other story, because I'm in this one.
You can also see that Superboy tucks his pajama shirt tightly into his pajama pants for some reason. Don't know what the hell that's all about.
Our story opens with Superboy getting ready to help knock down the old Smallville Armory:
But holy crap! The armory is already getting knocked down:
Who could it be? Who could perform this amazing feat before Superboy could manage to lift a finger? It would have to be someone brave, and strong, and maybe even capable of sucker punching Superboy to save the galaxy from the Sun Eater.
I fly away while Supes is picking up his jaw, but he barely has time to think about following me before this guy pops up to save a parachuter:
Invisible Kid. He never saved the galaxy from the Sun Eater or anything, but he's good people.
Wow. You really know how to lay on the compliments. Really. I'm glad I came back from the dead for this.
Sounds to me like someone needs another drink.
So, later that night Superboy is in his basement, making a tape recording of his diary, and we decide to bust in on him:
and prove we're real:
Thanks for keeping the x-rays above the waist, Supes. I might want to have some Ferro kids someday.
After we show him our flesh (and damn, do I look ripped in that panel or what? My abs are like an anatomy lesson in AWESOME) we make up some excuse about why we're there:
Which is clearly a lie because there ain't never been a day when I wasn't ready for a fight. The Kid and I explain this:
And help Supes beat the hell out of a giant robot. After that, he decides we don't suck:
And then we head home...
Not only are we dead, again, but it gets so much worse:
Not only were we exploding clones duped by our friends before we got splattered all over Weisinger Plaza in front of the headquarters, but our friend Superboy was in on it the whole time:
Take your giant robot and shove it, Superboy.
I'm sorry, but how was this story a better Christmas story than the one I was telling? The one that actually had Christmas in it?
I don't know. I'm full of rum, eggnog, and ragey mood swings.
Go make me another rumnog before we explode again.