Call Me Any, Any Time (but not tonight because I don't know how to use the phone yet)

Today I stopped at the Verizon store on my way home from work, because my phone is hard to text on, and the battery only holds about twenty minutes of charge. My phone is like that because until a few hours ago, this was my phone:



You're probably making a face like the lady at the Verizon store made when I held it out to her.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes. This is my phone."

"Really? Does it work?"

No, lady. I carry a dead phone around with me because I want people to think I'm cool enough to have a cell phone but I don't want to actually call anyone.

"I'd like a new phone. I think I might be eligible for an upgrade."

"I'm... sure you are. Let's look that up." Typing. Typing. Suppressing laughter and the urge to call other employees over to stare at the cellular dinosaur. Typing. "Oh! Look at that! You've been eligible for a free upgrade since 2008."

"What kind of phone can I get?"

"What kind of features do you want?"

"I want a phone that makes calls and receives calls. That's all that a phone needs to do. Also, I would like to add texting to my calling plan. So a phone that texts."

"All phones te... you know, let's go look at the simple flip phones. What about this one? It has a camera."

"I already own a camera."

"Yes, but... yes. OK. This one also flips, and doesn't have a camera. It's completely free with your upgrade."

"I don't know... I like the phone I have..."

"You know, we have another phone that we don't actually put out because people don't usually ask for it."

"CAN I SEE THAT PHONE??????"

And so, twenty minutes later:



I just spent half hour programming all my numbers into it, because they couldn't transfer them over from the old phone.

Why not, you might ask?

"We usually just Bluetooth them over, but Bluetooth wasn't invented yet when you got your phone."