The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

Sometimes I come home from a long day of helping people and I'm tired, and hungry, and don't feel up to preparing an elaborate dinner. Sometimes I just want something simple, easy to prepare, but still delicious.

"Hmmmmm," I think to myself, standing in the kitchen, questioning the life choices that led me to this moment. "What about a nice peanut butter and banana sandwich?"

"That sounds delightful, but... what about the banana?"

And that's always the sticking point.

What about the banana?

I'm already tired, too tired to stand in my kitchen and slice a banana. The extra work seems overwhelming; all that chopping and slicing and slicing and chopping and chopping and slicing and chopping. And what about the mess? Who wants to dirty a knife, just to slice up a banana for a sandwich?



SHUT UP, VOICE OF REASON. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE.

Besides, I don't use a knife for peanut butter sandwiches. Like most people, I prefer to scoop the peanut butter out of the jar with my fingers and then slap it onto the bread like Alexis slapping Krystal on "Dynasty".

Anyway, like it is for most people, the idea of slicing a banana has been too much to bear. It's really the straw that breaks the camel's back, every single time, and I end up having peanut butter and jelly instead. Sometimes, though, alone in my kitchen, I think, "What if there was some way to slice the banana without needing a knife? What if I had some sort of tool, like my apple wedger?"



But then I'd just sigh and think, "That's just crazy talk. You can't put wedges on a sandwich. You'd need something else. Some kind of slicer. Maybe someday..."

Someday?

How about... TODAY?

See, for weeks now my friends have been posting on Facebook about the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, telling me over and over to "just read the reviews. Read them. The reviews are great," and I finally did read them, and they were great! It might look like it's made of plastic, but the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer also seemed to be made out of my deepest hopes and secret dreams, and I decided to use the last of my Christmas gift cards to buy myself one.

And today, it came:



My long nightmare of unsliced bananas was over! I freed the banana slicer from the package, and got a banana:



and then I wasn't sure what to do. Perhaps there were instructions of some kind?



No, no instructions.

But it's a slicer. You probably use it just like a knife, and slice up the banana, right?



No.

Distraught, I thought about slapping some more peanut butter, but instead checked the package again, and noticed this photo:



You have to peel the banana!



And then place the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer over the peeled banana:



and then let gravity take its course.

But gravity takes a really long time, and I was so hungry, so I decided that maybe I could speed things along, you know, by pushing down:



And that's that. Never again will I peel a banana and then gnaw it to pieces like a savage. Those days are behind me.

Thank you, Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

You've changed my life.