A Slice of Pie Day with a Scoop of Lois Lansesanity

Say, how do you feel about pie?



Oh, good. I hope a lot of my friends feel that way.



Lois, that's not very nice.





I'm not even having this conversation.

The reason why I was asking about pie is that I have agreed again this year to participate in Pie Day, a fundraiser for the university's Alternative Break Programs. I did it last year, and even though I'm not going on a break trip this year I still want to help. I may ask people to donate my pies specifically to the trip working with LGBTQ populations in New York City, but I'll probably just have it go into the general fund and let the office allocate my help however they think is best.



Really, Lois? How did that end up working out?



Of course it did.



Our story opens in downtown Metropolis, where Lois is covering an assignment "in the slums", because it was totally ok to call economically depressed neighborhoods the slums in 1959. Scanning the line at the soup kitchen, Lois spots a familiar face:





Lois has only met Lana one time before this story, so she doesn't hate her yet. In fact, she's actually helpful:



Lana immediately tries to repay Lois' generosity:



And that's the exact moment when a rivalry lasting the rest of their lives is born. (I'm not kidding. Despite the fact that both of them date other men over and over, Lois and Lana will continue fighting over Superman until Lana's horrible death at the hands of Lightning Lord and the Legion of Supervillains, a sad story for another day.)

Lana goes on to explain a story of how Superboy gave her the ring to make up for an injury to her finger after a bullet ricocheted off of him, which is a fairly normal occurance in the lives of people around Superboy. Lana treats the ring that she's had since she was a teenager as no big deal, but Lois spends the entire night seething, a fact that's glaringly obvious when she immediately mentions it to Superman the next day:



Seriously, when Superman says, "I don't want her to be jealous" he might as well just say, "I don't want her to be Lois", because we all know that she's insane. He tries to head her off at the pass:



and Lois decides to both plan him a dinner party and immediately brag to Lana:





Dinner doesn't go quite according to plan, though. Superman has barely sat down to eat when he suddenly becomes furious and superchills his lemonade with super-breath, destroying the glass. And why would he do such a thing?





Lana? Dear, sweet, innocent Lana?



Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Lana Lang, Queen of Sabotage. Not only does she manage to ruin the dinner party, but in just one panel she not only conveys complete disinterest in Lois' stupid drama but also does so while flashing her offensive ring at the same time.

She has no idea, though, that she's dealing with a woman who is completely insane.



Lois is watching you sleep and talking to herself in your bedroom, Lana. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. The calls are coming from inside the house. Seriously, imagine waking up in the middle of the night with that freakshow standing over you, babbling to herself.

Fortunately, Lois is immediately distracted the next day:



Why does she look so happy?

BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY.

"Good news, Lana! Thousands of people are about to suffer, and some might even die! Get your camera!"

Lois, being Lois, even manages to turn this impending doom into an opportunity to throw herself at Superman:



Unfortunately for her, though, Lana remains five moves ahead of her on the chessboard of love:







Lois, you might want to start taking some notes. Or surrender. Lois, being Lois, decides to plot out an even better scheme while death-glaring Lana over dinner:



Tomorrow, you see, is a gala event honoring Superman, capped off with a female-only costume contest. Lois stays up all night sewing the perfect winning costume, but once again she's out of her depth, as her all-nighter ends in further disaster:





Has Lois finally met her match? And is Lana really the heartless man-stealer that she seems to be?



And why does all of this turn Superman on so much?

Lois finally reaches the end of her rope:



but it turns out that Lana was just trying to help her:



by keeping her from exploding:



That's somehow not good enough for Lois, though. Now that she's not going to blow up, she demands that Superman write down which one of them he loves the most:



And that's why I said that Superman was turned on by this whole thing.



What? No. That's not the moral of the story at all.

Unless you're Lois.