A Gronking to Remember

Over the years, I've read a lot of crap and a lot of trash. Not only have I read all five Twilight books, but I've also read the leaked chapters of the unpublished sixth novel in the series. I've read an incredible array of crappy queer literature, especially back when I was still in my gay book club and managed at least three or four times a year to forget to decline the automatic "book of the month" club selection. That's how I ended up with two copies of Every Frat Boy Wants It; a friend sent me one as a joke and then the book club sent me one because I forgot to decline it. I have no such excuse for owning the sequel. I bought that on purpose, because the first book was so hilariously bad. I've read books about vampires from Atlantis, books on how to score with women that read like date rape tutorials, books on how to date married men, and I've read 50 Shades of Gray.

In short, I will read any trash that amuses me.

That's why last week I read an article, with great amusement, about the fact that an erotic novella about professional football player Rob Gronkowski exists and is for sale. Not only did I giggle through the entire article but, because I am the kind of person who has also watched Cougar Cult and giggled through watching Deer Woman, I immediately thought, "Maybe I should read that."

I read a lot of crap.

And once recently I referred to Rob Gronkowski, who I am certain is a nice person with a beautiful mind, as "that hotass Gronk".

My friend Todd immediately corrected me, saying, "You spelled 'dumbass' wrong," but, you know, if Gronk had a genius-level IQ, I probably wouldn't know who he was. (Actually, I might. I read a lot of books that are actually intelligent, too.) As it is, I only know who he is because many of my gay friends and many of my female friends linked his naked photos from ESPN Magazine (ESPN has a magazine? Isn't that what Sports Illustrated is for?) and once he made a hilariously inappropriate joke about taking Tim Tebow's virginity. That's really all I know about Rob Gronkowski, but that's probably all I need to know to read A Gronking to Remember.

As this is probably not the kind of novella that requires an in-depth literary analysis, I figured I might as well just post my reactions as I read it.

The title: I approve of the use of his nickname as a verb. If, hypothetically, I ever hooked up with Chris Hemsworth, I would totally tell my friends that I'd been Hemsworthed. It's not something you can do with every name (for example, if, hypothetically, I ever hooked up with Tom Welling, "I got Wellinged" doesn't really carry an impressive ring) but for a name like Gronk it seems to work.

The cover: The elbow patches on that lady's sweater are kind of fugly.

The copyright page: Wait, "all characters appearing in this work are fictitious"? I'm pretty sure the Gronk is real.

5% (I don't know how to make the Kindle tell me what page I'm on): "burly, hairy, ape-like, oily, wild-eyed, vicarious-glory-engorging, howling-insane men" is a hell of a lot of adjectives in a row.

6%: "how fit and bulging he was everywhere". Giggle. Giggle giggle giggle.

7%: I think I've dated someone named after every single one of the narrator's husband's friends.

8%: The narrator is having marital trouble? Maybe watching football with her husband would help, except for the part where she's watching because "my vagina demanded it".

8%: "the game then proceeded to continue continuing after that". Lady, I feel the same way sometimes when I'm watching football.

13%: Watching football has never done that, or actually anything, to my nipples.

14%: Oh, my. This is a little graphic.

16%: His loincloth? Football pants don't have loincloths. I would have noticed that by now. Sometimes they stick a towel down the front, but that's for peeing on, not for fashion. Ma'am, your fantasy is incorrect.

18%: This has chapters? OK. I'm on chapter 2 now.

23%: "the sexualized warrior spirit of the Gronk". More giggling.

26%: "This is a Jets house and this has always been a Jets house!" Is this a modern day Romeo and Juliet story? Oh, God, does Gronk die at the end?

34%: A football locker room fantasy sequence. This narrator has a really active imagination, especially the part where she's wearing an assless pink football uniform. (An outfit that's actually not just a fantasy; I saw a man wearing that same thing on Bourbon Street in New Orleans once. I did not take a photo, but thought about it.)

36%: Jesus, I hope the narrator's exaggerating a little. Otherwise she's going to need a mop, or possibly a Shamwow.

43%: All these descriptions of game day snacks are really making me want chips and dip.

44%: "his soul full of bitchy, sour guts". This book actually has some really good turns of phrase. The writing quality is much better than 50 Shades of Gray, as dubious an achievement as that may be.

47%: "my sweet Gronkalish". Giggling.

49%: Don't tell me there's nowhere else to put your hands, lady. There's a room full of other places they could be, rather than jammed into your pants.

55%: Mr. Sandman throws sand into your eyes, lady. SAND. Not what you just wrote.

56%: The Patriots play in Gillette Stadium? I learned something! This book is educational.

61%: I laughed so hard that I actually spit on myself. I can only hope this is intended to be funny, rather than sexy.

64%: "Oh! Oh Gronk," I moan." I'm now laughing so hard I think I hurt myself. My side hurts. I can't breathe.

69%: Oh, my. That escalated quickly.

70%: Kudos on using "hammer" as both a verb and an adjective in the same sentence.

80%: "We went to the Olive Garden and destroyed the free bread sticks. We had dreams."

89%: To call this a shocking climax seems somehow inadequate. I'm lost for words.

95%: I need to figure out a way to use the word "Bagronkadonk" in conversation.

Jesus, that really was a Gronking to remember.