Blasted Crust Pizza Rolls

You know how people say you should never go to the grocery store on an empty stomach?

You also shouldn't go to the grocery store after a long, mentally exhausting first day back at work from vacation. You shouldn't do it because those two factors, the empty stomach and the fried brain, could lead to you making some poor choices in the grocery store.

Impulsive choices.

EXTREME choices.

The kind of EXTREME choices that leave you unable to even type the word without doing so in all caps.

The kind of EXTREME choices that lead to this:



I ate Totino's Blasted Crust Pizza Rolls for dinner.

They weren't terrible, but I won't buy them again. I bought the ranch (possibly RANCH! or even X-TREME RANCH!) flavor rather than the cheddar flavor, and I guess they taste sort of like ranch. They taste kind of like you took a slice of thin crust pepperoni pizza and crumbled up a handful of Cool Ranch Doritos on top of it. They left my fingers a little greasy, they exploded on the plate a little in the microwave, and I can't stop burping, but who knows? That may appeal to you.

What appeals to me, on the other hand, is that webpage about them. It reads like the cat from Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract video wrote it himself with his biggest crayon. (As a side point, what was actually happening in that video? Was Paula Abdul dating an anthropomorphic cartoon feline? Does Paula condone animated bestiality? No wonder God cast her out of the Bratz movie.) It's not a "Saturday Night Live" parody of Guy Fieri, though. It's a real, actual webpage. Someone got paid to write that.

AND IT IS A GODDAMN GLORIOUSLY EXTREME PIECE OF WRITING.

We’ve got four words for ya: BLASTED. CRUST. PIZZA. ROLLS.

Oh. God. there. are. periods. between. the. words. And only three of those words have to do with food. One of these things is not like the others, and that thing is BLASTED. What does this all mean?

We took regular ol’ pepperoni filled Pizza Rolls, and THREW THEM IN A VOLCANO.

A volcano? Shouldn't they be BURNED CRUST PIZZA ROLLS, then? Or was this maybe a volcano... OF FLAVOR?

But instead of lava and ash or whatever these volcanoes had MAGICAL RANCH powdery stuff and EQUALLY MAGICAL CHEDDAR powdery stuff.

Magical powdery stuff? And it wasn't an EXTREMELY large pile of cocaine? I'm starting to think that "volcano" was a food additive factory in south Jersey. Kudos to Totino's on the vocabulary words, though. "Powdery" makes me think of "powder", which is another word for "snow", which makes me think of snowboarding, and dude, bro, snowboarding is WICKED EXTREME, like these pizza rolls.

Those rolls got all covered in that powder business and blasted out of the volcano like “LOOK AT MEEEEE! I’M A PIZZA ROLL EVOLVED!! BOW TO ME, LOWLY UNDERLINGS!”

True story: That's how I start most of my staff meetings. Including the part about being a pizza roll.

Then we ran each of them over with a tiny car a few times to make those cute little ridges.

A tiny car? Full of tiny clowns, perhaps? An EXTREMELY tiny car? Full of EXTREMELY tiny clowns? How did Totino's get inside to even drive that thing?

We dunno, just seemed like a good idea.

At least as good an idea as buying these was.

In stores in February! Get flavor dust on your fingies!

Fingies.

My fingies.

I can't even type anymore, because my fingies are too EXTREME.