Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Package of Misfit Toys

When my parents were here a few weeks ago, one of the places that I took them to was the giant indoor flea market at Sweetwater. They'd seen a sign on the highway, and they like flea markets, so it seemed like a safe bet to consume part of the afternoon. They got some snacks, I got some discounted Heroclix figurines, and Dad bought something metal and clanky from a tools and parts booth, but I have no idea what it was because it was in a paper bag when he caught up with us and I didn't ask. Just as we were about to leave, I also saw something odd and wonderful:

bootleg superheroes


My mom pointed at it, hanging from a peg in all of its seven dollar glory, and we both laughed at how awful it looked. After about a minute, though, I decided that I wanted it after all, and offered the lady at the booth five dollars for it. A minute later, the plastic superhero freakshow was mine! My original intention was to open it, maybe blog about them, and then just give the figures to Elizabeth and Ben's son, since he loves superheroes, and that would be it.

Now that I've opened them, though, I can't possibly give these to a toddler, for reasons which will become clear in a moment.

From the outside, they looked terrible, but not dangerous. The back of the package was as amusing as the front:

All Heroes Come (1)

Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, some Power Rangers, and... uh...

the hulk man (1)

The Hulk Man?

a good question

I have no idea, She-Hulk. I was kind of hoping you did. He looks quite a bit like Mr. Incredible, but there's nobody in the package that looks like that.

Maybe he's one of the random guys that I think are supposed to be Power Rangers?

power rangers?

I could tell these would be kind of terrible but maybe funny while they were still in the package, since I noticed that the tabs in the back let you try their chest lights:

chest laser!

but I didn't notice how flimsy and poorly made they were until I opened it. That's when I discovered that their arms are hollow:

hollow arms

Granted, many action figures have hollow arms, but they usually fill enough of the mold to cover it. Not only are they hollow, though, but they're all falling apart, right out of the package. The yellow one, especially, was splitting from the first moment that I handled him:

splitting (1)

and then, when I tried to pose him in a sitting position:

splitting (2)

His leg fell off.

yellow cry for help

hollow red arms

Maybe Batman can help them!

With, um, you know, his chest laser:

batman's chest laser

The only purpose that seems to serve is to emphasize that his emblem is off center, but that's not even the worst part of fake Batman. The worst part is the face.

Gaze in terror for a moment:

batman's face

His eyes aren't painted where the eyeholes are molded. Not only that, but what the hell artistic style are they basing that on, anyway? Mad Magazine? And the chin: is Batman supposed to have whiskers, or did they just not have enough paint? I can't even describe the cape, mostly because I still don't know if it's plastic or fabric. I just know that it shouldn't be near an open flame.

Oh, and Batman's head is splitting in half, too:

batman's splitting head

Spider-Man is just as terrible:

double spiders

Regular Spider-Man has one spider on his chest, but this one is twice as spidery, I suppose. They might have put the extra emblem on the front to make up for the fact that there's no paint on the back:

no paint

And yet, even after all of this, Spider-Man, Batman, and the Power Rangers aren't the most terrible toys in the package. That honor is reserved for Superman:

not superman

Unless that creature is the Hulk Man.

not a beard

very pink skin


You tell them, Lois. You don't want any part of this, and neither do Ferro Lad or Invisible Kid. All of you, just head on your way, and we'll try to forget these toys ever happened.

leg question

Right after we clean up their pieces.


SJ Phantom said...

My God... This had tears in my eyes!!! Too funny!

Rod said...

I don't use words like "abomination" lightly (actually, yes, I do)... and these toys are abominations. :)

Elizabeth said...

Wow. Those are awful and awesome at the same time. They were definitely worth buying for this post. While I definitely thank you for not giving them to William, he would not have even noticed. You can get him the Avengers book at Kroger instead :) (just kidding - we'll get it).

Joel said...

I wasn't worried that William would notice how bad they were; I was worried that they would shatter in his hands and injure him somehow.

Elizabeth said...

Yes, I agree. And your friend who mentioned lead based paint may not be far off. I would worry for his safety with these toys. Thank you for thinking of him though!

Jeannie said...

This is hilarious! I cannot believe someone actually made this crap and sold it. I love reading your blog, Joel. It makes my day happier.

Marcheline said...

There are many satisfying moments in life, not the least of which is spending five bucks for a post worth a million laughs!

rnigma said...

Ashens reviewed a similar package: