Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I got this movie for a dollar: "Cougar Cult"

Since I landed last night and was too tired to do anything, I spent most of today running errands and getting situated back into my life. I went to a couple of thrift stores, the grocery store, and the used bookstore, where I dropped off a bunch of books and found a movie:

Cougar Cult

As you can see from the cover, it's about... women? Shirtless college guys? Kittycats? It's about all of that, and somehow so much more.

Our story opens with a shirtless young man cleaning a pool beside three older women, who lounge in chairs and drink wine. The poolboy, Henry, mentions that he needs to get going, but really needs to take a shower first. After offering him a drink, the ladies send Henry upstairs for a shower, where he proceeds to take the weirdest shower I've ever seen:

Henry only washes his torso.

And he doesn't use soap.

And doesn't duck his head under the water, ever. He just keeps rubbing his torso and arms with his hands, getting them wet, for about four and a half minutes of the movie. Seriously, almost five minutes of the movie look like this:

While that's going on, the women start walking into the house in weird, overexposed lighting over the sound of growling.

The camera cuts back and forth between the wet torso rubdown and the overexposed walking, and then Henry hears a weird noise, gets out of the shower, only puts on his underwear, and goes to investigate. Before you know it, he's being chased through the house by an unseen, snarling enemy. He barricades himself in a downstairs room, peeks out when it's quiet, and then something grabs him.

When the lights come back up, Henry is unconscious on the floor with the three women standing around him discussing how their god is going to make them take mates to preserve their youth. Henry is apparently unsuitable for this purpose, so the sisters proclaim that they're having steak tartar for dinner...


And it happens again:

That's a special effect that makes the SyFy Channel original movies look like Industrial Light and Magic. Seriously, what the hell was that? I'm making that my Facebook cover photo.

Now there are three young men in front of the house, answering an ad for a cook, a poolboy, and a masseuse for three older ladies. The older ladies, of course, are the previously seen catwitches, and I don't bother to learn the young men's names. I've already come to the understanding that they're not here to be characters. We'll just call them Blond Guy, Pool Guy, and Other Brunette. They are hired on the spot after confirming that they don't have girlfriends, and then Blond Guy takes a nap.

By which I mean Blond Guy lays in bed rubbing himself and writhing on the sheets for three minutes.

Three minutes. I rewound and counted. During the three minutes he has visions of the two brunette catwitches sneaking in and rubbing his legs, but it turns out to be a nightmare, which he is awaked from by Other Brunette. Other Brunette is suddenly concerned about job security, confessing that he's never given a massage before, so Blond Guy tells him to take off his shirt, get on the bed, and Blond Guy will give him a massage so that he knows how to do it.

Wait, what?

Is this gay porn? Because all of a sudden Other Brunette is like, "This feels good," and Blond Guy is like, "Let me talk to you about our weird 'hot' boss women while I rub you down, in my bed, in my underwear."

And then we cut away to Pool Guy, who spends four to six minutes of the movie standing by the pool in his shorts, spraying himself down with the hose. Seriously, is this gay porn? Like with all the porn cut out? Anyway, Blonde Catwich is watching Pool Guy through the window throughout this scene while weird growling noises play, and then announces to her Target lamp and random free weight set that she guesses he'll be next.

Other Brunette shows up downstairs to give one of the catwitches her massage, and she explains that he's way overdressed, and that when she comes back he better have lost "at least" his shirt.

Then Blond Guy takes a shower, which goes about the same as the one we started the movie with, although he also gets his hair wet. While this is happening there are a lot of those overexposed shots of the catwitches walking through the house, and then one of the catwitches sneaks into the shower and almost touches him, but he doesn't see her.

(Why does she look so angry about his butt?)

The sound of snarling surprises him out of the shower and he decides that he was hearing things. The other two guys stop by the pool to talk about how boring being a pool guy is, and then they see some random guy pull up in a sports car. He comes in to talk to the sisters, and they take him upstairs and tell him to take off his clothes because he's a gigolo. They use the blond catwitch's magic necklace to knock him out, then they perform some witchcraft on him, by which I mean they pour oil on his chest and he rubs it all over himself while writhing on the bed. The catwitches raise their hands a lot, light some candles, talk about their god, talk in weird voices, and then pronounce the ritual a success.

After that they eat him (Jesus Christ, those cat heads!), because one of the catwitches is handing Other Brunette the gigolo's car keys. She tells him to park it in a public lot by the bank and leave the keys in it, so that the gigolo can pick it up later. Other Brunette finds this suspicious, but drives off anyway after talking to Blond Guy, who is apparently the cook since he's wearing an apron and briefs. Abandoned by his friend, Blond Guy takes another self-molesting nap.


All that guy did today was take a nap, give his friend a sexy backrub, take a shower, and walk around in an apron, and now he's taking another nap?

Wait, all three guys are taking naps. On top of their blankets. And rubbing themselves. In their underwear. It's gotten to the point where even I'm bored by the torsos, and I really like well-built male torsos. Anyway, the catwitches are walking through the house in the overexposed lighting again, the guys are writhing, and then some snarling noises wake up Blond Guy. He puts on his glasses, but nothing else, and goes to wander the house in his briefs, where he discovers that Pool Guy is in some sort of trance. He sleepwalks to the catwitches' bedroom, followed by Blond Guy, wakes up from his trance when the catwitches invite him to a foursome with the three of them, and then they do the same magic they did to the gigolo, except that they don't eat Pool Guy after they oil him down.

The next morning, Blond Guy tries to warn Other Brunette, telling him everything he's seen. Blond Guy also recognizes blonde catwitch's magic amulet as the South American symbol of an Amazon cat goddess, but blond catwitch overhears their discussion. Other Brunette stomps off, calling Blond Guy crazy, the catwitches walk in a circle and light more candles, and then they hypnotize Pool Guy into calling some other guy because they don't think Blond Guy will be suitable anymore. The other guy shows up (shirtless), blond witch hypnotizes him with her magic necklace, and then Blond Guy discovers that they've also hypnotized Other Brunette.

The witches turn into catheads again, but Blond Guy grabs the magic necklace and presses it to blond catwitch's forehead. Somehow this shorts out the magic, the catwitches disappear, the other guys wake up in bed in their underwear covered in oil, and then everybody goes home.

The end.

Unless there's a sequel.


Justin Bower said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justin Bower said...

I guarantee some 13 year old kid, somewhere, watched this because he thought it was a porno about older women and younger men, and now he's really really confused about sex.

Marcheline said...

MwahahaHAHAHAHHHH! Your description of this movie is SO much better than actually watching the movie could ever be, so ... thank you for that.