Arts and Crafty

Last week was one of the rare occasions when I decide to wear my sparkly rhinestone tie. Every time I wear that tie, people are so amused by it, and tell me how sparkly I am and make jokes. That tie makes people smile, and it makes me smile, so I started to think, "Maybe I should get another one."

Not several, mind you. One of the joys of the rhinestone tie is that it is rare. If I wore something sparkly every day, it would stop being charming and instead just become routine. On the other hand, I have somewhere between a hundred and a hundred and fifty ties. Throwing in another couple with a little sparkle to them might liven things up, so I started to keep my eyes open for some.

Finding a rhinestone encrusted tie in Knoxville is a little harder than you might think, but I did eventually come across some last weekend. A lady was hanging some up in her booth at one of the antique stores I go to, so I stopped to talk to her and to look at the price.

"Those are forty dollars."

"Forty dollars?" I'm sorry, are those real diamonds?

"My friend makes them out of vintage ties. She hand glues all of the rhinestones herself. They're art."

"They seem very nice. I'll think about it."

Oh, I'll think about it, lady. I'll think about how I'm not spending forty dollars on a tie just because your friend hot glued some rhinestones to it. Why, if I had some time on my hands and some craft supplies, I could probably just do that myself, and it wouldn't cost forty bucks, lady.

And then the lightbulb went on above my head.

I don't have to work this weekend. I have no plans for Saturday other than walking and thinking about Cheetos. With that in mind, I ran some errands this afternoon, and then had some crafty time.

I started with this:



Seven dollars worth of thrift shop ties and twenty dollars worth of craft supplies. I got the ties first, then walked around the craft store looking for inspiration. I figured that even if I screw up a couple, the total cost was still less than one of that lady's rhinestone ties, so I might as well go for it.

The blue tie turned out ok, but not perfect:



It's blingy, though. I tried something similar on the orange tie, which is turning out better but which will also take longer than I planned:



I guarantee, though, that people will love that thing when I wear it on some home game Friday.

I didn't just do rhinestones, though. As I said above, less is more in that regard, and there were so many other things I could do.

Terrible things.

Things like this:



Yes. I glued googly eyes to that paisley tie, and I love it now.

I also love the way that stamping and fabric paint worked on the burgundy tie:





It's not a hundred percent perfect, but I think it looks great. I made my own pattern!

I tried something similar on the gold ties, stamping on bumble bees in black, but I accidentally smeared it pretty badly and threw it away.

One out of five isn't bad, and now I have five new ties.

The 5 Weirdest Things I Saw in the Holiday 2013 SkyMall Catalog

As you may or may not know, I took two trips by plane in October. A friend was asking me about them, and I explained that on one flight somebody weird sat next to me.

"Weird how?" Valid question. I'm maybe a little bit not normal, so my judgment of the weirdness of others is questionable.

"Well... he read the SkyMall magazine. Like, the whole thing. With interest, like he was going to buy something from it."

"What's so weird about that?" my friend asked, looking at me funny. "There's some good stuff in there."

"Are you kidding?"

"No! You should look at it."

I fly three to five times a year, in an average year. Despite that, I haven't actually opened the SkyMall catalog and looked through it in at least five years, because I have this impression in my head that it's full of weird, expensive stuff that no one actually buys. I trust my friend, though, so today as I was flying home to see my family for Christmas I put aside my Gloria Swanson biography for a few minutes and flipped through the SkyMall catalog.

Now I have more questions than answers, but the main one is:

Who buys this stuff?

Who sits in an uncomfortable chair at 35,000 feet, opens this magazine, and thinks, "Yes! YES! That will complete my life!"

I don't know, but I sincerely hope they are purchasing one of the following items:

Life-Sized Yeti Statue



At $2350 (plus $225 shipping and handling), I don't see how you could possibly not buy this. Why, if I'd sprung for the in-flight Wi-Fi and had a massive head injury just before boarding the plane, American Express would be paying for this right now. Never mind the coffee table I was thinking about the other day. This is the kind of household item that would make my life complete.

Or is it? I don't want to discount the possibility that what I really need is the...

8 Foot Tall Headless Fashion Model Lamp



Unlike the Yeti, which is just art, this is both artistic and functional. What better light to read by than that emanating from the stump at the end of a decapitated fashionista's neck? And it's less than half the price of the Yeti statue. Why, it's practically on sale!

Just having such a thing in my home is bound to make me more fashionable, too, but just in case it doesn't, maybe I could treat myself to some...

High-Fashion Shirt Art



I'm speechless. Fortunately, the description lets me know that this is "a one of a kind shirt" (thank baby Jesus; the idea that there might be two of those and that they could breed is horrifying) that will announce that "you're a little different than everyone else". A little different? Or A LOT different? Because I feel like that's kind of a lot. The description also lets me know that this "piece of art" is great for frat parties. Frat parties? Really? Because I know a lot of fraternity members, and I'm pretty sure that shirt would only be welcome at certain specific kinds of frat parties, mostly because it's already half unbuttoned in the picture and probably really easy to take off.

If the shirt isn't really the way to go, though, maybe I should think more about something useful. More useful than the decapitated Kate Moss lamp, I mean. Something more like...

A Food and Pillow Sterilizer



Bonus: It has a child safety lock. I don't want the kids thinking ultraviolet radiation is a toy. Seriously, though, there's finally a tool that will help me irradiate all of the food I put in my mouth, just before I lay my head on my freshly irradiated sheets and pillows. I'm kind of sad that there's not a discount for buying more than one, though. I mean, I have two hands, and a really big bed. I'd feel better about bathing everything I own in melanoma rays if I could do it twice as much in the same amount of time.

Now that I think about it, though, maybe none of these things will make me happy. Maybe the only thing that can bring joy to my heart is...

A Custom Formal Portrait of My Dog as Napoleon



Seriously, I think I know what my parents are getting for their anniversary this year.

Thank you, SkyMall.