Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I was walking toward my car at the end of work today when I saw that every car in the lot had some strange flyer under their wiper, including mine:

windshield flyer

I was about to throw it away when I noticed that there were sweaty guys on it with their shirts off, and one seemed to have his legs wrapped around the other. Intrigued, I started reading, but then discovered that it wasn’t a flyer for gay porn. Instead, it seemed to be about fighting, which doesn’t usually happen in any kind of porn unless it’s two girls who wrestle and tear each other’s clothes off and then start making out, and I don’t like that kind.

Anyway, this flyer starts with big yellow letters, screaming at me:


Maybe they only seem screaming because I spend too much time online, where capital letters stand for yelling.

Take the bag pounding workout of Kickboxing…

Why is “kickboxing” capitalized? I thought kickboxing was about Jean Claude Van Damme. When did bag pounding enter into it?

Add some awesome Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu…

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? Wasn’t he one of the Global Guardians?

And throw in a little attitude and some great music…

From Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? Are they a band?

And you have a workout that KICKS A**!

Right there they lost all credibility with me. Granted, it was already on shaky ground, but don’t claim to be some kind of ass kicker when you’re scared to even spell the word. I’m not taking any kind of martial arts instruction from someone who’s going to stand up front and yell, “Are you ready to kick some A-star-star everybody?”

What were they even thinking putting this on cars in an office parking lot, anyway? Out of the dozens of people I know or see working in my building, I can count the number of people who can kick higher than their own waist on one hand, and that’s giving a couple people a pretty hefty dose of benefit of the doubt. Hell, I have no business even reading this flyer. I ate an entire bag of frosted mini-donuts for dinner on Monday. I’m certainly not joining a workshop to become an ultimate fighter even if the first thirty people do get a fighting team t-shirt.

I can’t believe Smoothie King sponsored this, or, as my flyer tells me, “sponsered” it. I guess Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu was in charge of the proofreading.

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