Saturday, March 26, 2011

David Cassidy #1

Yesterday, after work, Elizabeth, Kristin, and I went to an estate sale that Elizabeth had read about online. They had a lot of pictures and, when we got there, a lot of stuff, but none of us left with what we wanted. The tray that Elizabeth wanted was overpriced, and the Mego figures that I wanted to look at were long gone, but the three of us found some assorted other items of interest.

Elizabeth got an old board game, a book, and some Troll dolls (I think to resell), Kristin found some nice shirts, and I found a nice vintage Pyrex baking dish, a book, a candleholder, and, tucked away among some old Archie comics and Little Lulu comics, this:

david cassidy cover

"David Cassidy" #1. That was too good to pass up, especially after I started looking at it. See, I've seen comics about people before, but they're usually biographical comics. The cover of "David Cassidy", on the other hand, promises "All NEW Stories", and for a dollar I just had to know what those new stories about David Cassidy were.

Story 1 opens with David driving home, late at night, to feed the family dog:

driving home

The lights are on because David has been burgled! And the burglar stole all his food!


Except that there seems to be a lot of food left in the kitchen, for some reason. Anyway David and Simone, the Partridge Family's dog (I guess?), track the thief to the old abandoned mine above David's house, where David discovers that the thief is a sexy tousled blonde:

tousled blonde thief

Not only is she terribly polite, addressing him repeatedly as "Mr. Cassidy", but it turns out that she's just trying to help her brother, who was injured by a gang of tough guys while defending his sister's honor:

injured brother

Yeah, not only is David Cassidy not going to call the police, but Rita's brother has already realized, with a possible whimper of disappointment, that David is totally heterosexual.

Wait, what?

"Straight" meant something else back in 1972? Nevermind, then.

David wants to take Andy to the hospital, but they can't go to a hospital. Rita explains:

lettuce picking

"We're going to go pick lettuce." I can't wait to use that as a comeback next time I get into an argument.

"Oh yeah? Well what are you gonna do about it? Huh? Go pick lettuce this summer?"

Anyway, David and Rita get Andy back to David's house, but none of them realize that they've been followed, by the guys who beat up Andy in the first place!

tough 1970's robbers

Those are the most hilariously dressed "tough guys" I've ever seen. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that they're part of the gang of space pirates that Ultra Boy joined when he had amnesia and forgot that he was in the Legion of Superheroes:

space pirate and ultra boy

(Ultra Boy caught amnesia while he was on the run after Brainiac 5, his teammate, framed him for murder. Brainiac 5 did this one of the times that he was insane, not to be confused with the time that his insanity caused him to build a Supergirl love robot:

supergirl love robot

in his sleep and then forget that he did it:

building the supergirl love robot

while wearing pajamas that he apparently stole from the guys who are robbing David Cassidy.)

Getting back to the trouble at Chez Cassidy, it turns out that David is a lover AND a fighter:

fighting the robbers (1)

Not that he needs to be, because Rita, for some reason that is never explained in the story, suddenly has a gun:

fighting the robbers (2)

She holds the robbers at bay until the cops arrive, and then everything works out for the best:

"We're at David Cassidy's house..."

The second story is shorter, but no less bizarre. It opens with David and his friends at the beach:

beach threesome

David looks kind of sad in that picture, but I can't decide if it's because

a) he was really hoping that "There's something else I'd rather try first, David..." was sexual innuendo, or

b) he realized that he drove all the way out to the beach but forgot his nipples at home.

It isn't long before Eve gets into trouble:

eve, in trouble

and David rescues her while his friend holds a shark at bay by stabbing it to death with a pocket knife:

shark rescue

because that's totally what would happen, rather than that guy getting maybe one good shot in before that thing bites off his arm in one gulp and David Cassidy's flowing locks in the next. Instead of that happening, they get away from the shark, the girl falls in love with David, and we move on to the last story:

david and shirley jones

which apparently opens just after someone sprayed Shirley Jones in the face with Joker venom on the set of "The Partridge Family". After a long day of filming, David drives away, unaware that the president of his fan club is hiding in the back seat of his car:

david's (other?) house

No, miss, that's not where he lives. David Cassidy lives in a house in the mountains near an abandoned mine filled with lettuce-picking teenaged runaways. We just saw it a dozen pages ago. I suppose it's possible that he moved some time in the last dozen pages, but even if he did, he's still got the same problems. Returning home after a long walk on the beach:

robbed again!

he discovers that he's being robbed. Again.

Did this happen to him all the time or something? David Cassidy, get a burglar alarm. Or move to one of those gated communities. At least borrow that rifle that Rita had in the first story.

Fortunately for David, the stalker hidden in his back seat saw the robbers escaping, so she and David followed by motorcycle and called the cops. Then David beat the robbers into submission:

fighting the robbers (3)

and it all worked out for the best:

so strong and brave

And all then all the people who bought this sent away for Super Luv Stickers:

super luv stickers

for their letters, lockers, mirrors, and walls, because that's just how it was when you were David Cassidy, star of "The Partridge Family".


Ragan said...

please tell me you sent away for 500 stickers for only $1.00!!!

Anonymous said...

Everyone. Was. On. Drugs.

That's the only explanation I can think of.


Liz said...

Valium for mom. Quaaludes for the kids. Old Vienna for dad.

'72 was the summer in Huntsville that I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey way too young and first read Sybil Leek's Complete Art of Witchcraft. The early 70's were sort of golden.

Jeannie said...

I just laughed uncontrollably through this entire post. That is the best comic I have ever seen. My mom used to be in love with David Cassidy - I will have to tell her about this.

Anonymous said...

At least David was tough at one time, because he was the first weakling votted off the Apprentice!
So enjoy reading your blog!!! But it always leaves me wanting cookies......

nan said...

loved this post! Did you ever see the show Malcolm in the Middle? There is a great episode with David Cassidy in it. Worth finding.

Anonymous said...

You mean you're not going to buzz the fuzz?


Falke said...

That was horribly awesome boi, thanks.

Squares said...

Sadly, this is still not the worst comic I've seen.