The other day, I was in the candy section of Mast General (because why would you go to Mast General and not go to the candy section?), and I noticed gummi hamburgers and hot dogs:
I like candy, and I like gummi candy, but somewhere in the back of my mind I had a vague memory of not liking these particular gummi candies. I tried to remember why, but couldn't come up with anything. Did they actually taste like hamburgers? Chewy hamburgers? Because that would be disgusting, and might explain it. I think I'd remember if I'd eaten that, though. Maybe I had some deap-seated psychological reason for not liking them? Like a long-buried memory of some guy that I thought was really hot but wouldn't give me the time of day as he sat eating hamburger gummi candies and I wallowed in misery and loneliness and swore in my cold, black heart that I would never, ever eat gummi hamburgers as long as I lived? No, I'd probably remember that, too.
There must be some reason I remember not liking them, though. In the interests of science, I decided to try to figure it out. I bought one of each, and then today I decided to eat them.
The first step, of course, would be unwrapping them:
They're pretty tiny. The top bun of the burger is somewhere between the size of a dime and a penny. They felt, like most gummies that haven't been in your pocket getting nice and warm, a little firm and rubbery, and they smelled vaguely fruity. Not like any specific fruit, but that random smell of fruit flavoring that gummies always have.
I dissected the burger first:
I was impressed with the level of detail. The patty has little grill marks, and the lettuce leaf really does look leafy. The fruit smell was maybe cherry? Like cough drop cherry?
So far nothing seemed offensive, so I reassembled the burger and bit:
Now I remember why I don't like gummi hamburgers.
They taste like nothing. Rubbery, slightly tough, flavorless nothing. They're not even sweet. It's just a little lump that you chew up and swallow as quickly as possible.
Given the letdown of the burger, I had pretty low expectations for the hot dog, which breaks down into two unimpressive pieces:
I guess there's not a lot of creativity you can do with something that's pretty bland to begin with, design-wise. It looks like a hot dog. Like the burger, it smelled vaguely fruity and seemed a little rubbery. I put it back together, took a deep breath, and bit down:
That has to be the least appetizing photo of food that I have ever taken, but a picture really is worth a thousand words, especially if those words include things like, "flavorless", "rubbery", or "kind of gross".
I think I'll stick to the gummi candies that I like from now on.