The 5 Weirdest Things I Saw in the Holiday 2013 SkyMall Catalog

As you may or may not know, I took two trips by plane in October. A friend was asking me about them, and I explained that on one flight somebody weird sat next to me.

"Weird how?" Valid question. I'm maybe a little bit not normal, so my judgment of the weirdness of others is questionable.

"Well... he read the SkyMall magazine. Like, the whole thing. With interest, like he was going to buy something from it."

"What's so weird about that?" my friend asked, looking at me funny. "There's some good stuff in there."

"Are you kidding?"

"No! You should look at it."

I fly three to five times a year, in an average year. Despite that, I haven't actually opened the SkyMall catalog and looked through it in at least five years, because I have this impression in my head that it's full of weird, expensive stuff that no one actually buys. I trust my friend, though, so today as I was flying home to see my family for Christmas I put aside my Gloria Swanson biography for a few minutes and flipped through the SkyMall catalog.

Now I have more questions than answers, but the main one is:

Who buys this stuff?

Who sits in an uncomfortable chair at 35,000 feet, opens this magazine, and thinks, "Yes! YES! That will complete my life!"

I don't know, but I sincerely hope they are purchasing one of the following items:

Life-Sized Yeti Statue



At $2350 (plus $225 shipping and handling), I don't see how you could possibly not buy this. Why, if I'd sprung for the in-flight Wi-Fi and had a massive head injury just before boarding the plane, American Express would be paying for this right now. Never mind the coffee table I was thinking about the other day. This is the kind of household item that would make my life complete.

Or is it? I don't want to discount the possibility that what I really need is the...

8 Foot Tall Headless Fashion Model Lamp



Unlike the Yeti, which is just art, this is both artistic and functional. What better light to read by than that emanating from the stump at the end of a decapitated fashionista's neck? And it's less than half the price of the Yeti statue. Why, it's practically on sale!

Just having such a thing in my home is bound to make me more fashionable, too, but just in case it doesn't, maybe I could treat myself to some...

High-Fashion Shirt Art



I'm speechless. Fortunately, the description lets me know that this is "a one of a kind shirt" (thank baby Jesus; the idea that there might be two of those and that they could breed is horrifying) that will announce that "you're a little different than everyone else". A little different? Or A LOT different? Because I feel like that's kind of a lot. The description also lets me know that this "piece of art" is great for frat parties. Frat parties? Really? Because I know a lot of fraternity members, and I'm pretty sure that shirt would only be welcome at certain specific kinds of frat parties, mostly because it's already half unbuttoned in the picture and probably really easy to take off.

If the shirt isn't really the way to go, though, maybe I should think more about something useful. More useful than the decapitated Kate Moss lamp, I mean. Something more like...

A Food and Pillow Sterilizer



Bonus: It has a child safety lock. I don't want the kids thinking ultraviolet radiation is a toy. Seriously, though, there's finally a tool that will help me irradiate all of the food I put in my mouth, just before I lay my head on my freshly irradiated sheets and pillows. I'm kind of sad that there's not a discount for buying more than one, though. I mean, I have two hands, and a really big bed. I'd feel better about bathing everything I own in melanoma rays if I could do it twice as much in the same amount of time.

Now that I think about it, though, maybe none of these things will make me happy. Maybe the only thing that can bring joy to my heart is...

A Custom Formal Portrait of My Dog as Napoleon



Seriously, I think I know what my parents are getting for their anniversary this year.

Thank you, SkyMall.