My magical tour of Long Island has come to an end, sadly. On the last day we went to some antique stores, posed with some roadside statuary, packed, and had a nice Italian dinner out. I saw a nice complete set of Pyrex Friendship mixing bowls that I almost bought, but they had a lot of wear for the price she was asking and then I'd have to pay to ship them on top of that, so they stayed right where they were, and I totally didn't spend the rest of the day sighing about how right I was not to buy them.
Because I would never do that.
Yesterday I woke up, got ready, finished packing, had one last New York bagel, and went to the airport, where US Airways proceeded to spend the rest of the day jerking me around, rescheduling me, cancelling my flights, and getting me home three and a half hours late. Yesterday I managed to hit four different airports in one day for the second time on this trip, and only one thing managed to make me smile throughout my odyssey:
There's a new issue of SkyMall!
The last issue of SkyMall was filled with insane crap that no one needs, and when I started reading this issue I was almost disappointed to see that it seemed kind of toned down. Where was the crazy? What was I supposed to laugh at? Had they somehow become a regular, commonplace catalogue rather than a warehouse of insanity?
It turns out that I just wasn't reading closely enough on my first pass. That's the only way I could have missed things like...
The iPhone Sterilizer
Do you ever look at your iPhone and think, "God, I wish I hadn't smeared that with feces"? Do you worry about the effect of harsh chemical disinfectants on it, but have to keep using them so that you can play Candy Crush while performing surgery? Did you let your child touch the screen with their jamhands? For only $50, SkyMall can make all of those problems go away.
Maybe you face some other, more terrible problem. Maybe you live a life without backup music, where you have to enter rooms quietly without a signature sound to alert your supporting cast that the star has arrived. Maybe you need...
A Door Guitar
Yes, a door guitar. Sure, anybody can hang a bell from the doorknob, or walk in playing their own jaunty tambourine, but a door guitar will make you the envy of all of your friends and family members. The advertising copy advises you to "tune it to your favorite chord", but we all know that if you had any idea how to play that thing then you'd already have a guitar and you'd have better things to do with it than mount it over your doorway, so I say you just go ahead and use whatever tune it carries right out of the box. Hell, go all out and order it in a dark, rebellious black. Let everyone who visits know that you're a stylish loner, the kind of stylish loner who shops in the SkyMall catalogue.
If your visitors seem unimpressed with your door guitar, you may need something that really wows them. Something like...
A 2 and a Half Foot Wide Eagle
It's not just vaguely patriotic, but also dangerous! Your lifelike, lovingly sculptured eagle statue features sharply pointed talons that extend "more than eight inches from the wall", creating an artistic menace like no other. If your guests aren't suitably impressed with your door guitar, all you have to do is scream, "Look over there!" and watch gleefully as they turn too fast and accidentally gouge their own eyes out on your eagle's "intricately sculpted" talons.
"But wait," you're probably thinking. "What if my offending guest isn't standing next to my deadly eagle?"
SkyMall has you covered. There's a special discount if you buy two or more. Why leave a spot uncovered by eagle glory?
Maybe you have other problems, though, besides a filthy phone, lack of entrance music, and a lack of dangerously pointy sculpture. Maybe you have too much self esteem, and don't feel bad enough about your body. Maybe you need...
A Globe Poncho
For all those moments when you've thought, "God, I don't feel fat enough," SkyMall has just the thing. It's not just a poncho, the least flattering garment ever invented (and yes, I'm including the caftan, the muumuu, and the paper hospital gown with the flappy back), but it's a poncho with the entire planet printed on it. You'll be amazed at how much bigger you think your butt is when you realize that it's supporting the entire continent of Asia and that there still might be room on the side for some of Europe. Not only that, but wearing it to class is a great way to pass your geography final. The only thing you won't find on your poncho map is a belted waistline.
SkyMall: full of gifts that keep on giving.