Saturday, November 17, 2012
Twinkies Saved the World
Thanks for the update, Lois.
As you may or may not have heard, Hostess has gone out of business, spelling the temporary end of Twinkies, Hostess Fruit Pies, Wonder Bread, and a bunch of other stuff that most people probably don't buy in a week but are now suddenly, if Facebook is to be believed, realizing that they can't live without. I think this photo sums up most of what I've read:
Most of my friends have reacted in the following ways:
1) "Oh, that's sad. Oh well."
2) "ANOTHER PIECE OF MY CHILDHOOD IS DEAD! WHY, GOD? WHYYYYYYYY?"
3) "One less thing to make children fat. Good riddance."
I'm not particularly broken up about the whole thing. I do think it's a little sad that I will possibly never again have a fried Twinkie:
but then I remember that, despite my love of fair food, fried food, and snack food, I've only ever had a fried Twinkie once, and didn't finish it. The filling in the center coagulated and got so sweet that I had to stop halfway through. It was so sugary that I felt like I might vomit, but now I feel kind of bad that people might never have the chance to violently sicken themselves on deep fried snack food the way that I did.
I feel like America has lost something.
Not only that, but I'm worried about the disastrous consequences that the loss of Hostess snack cakes can have on our society.
How will Batgirl foil well-dressed jewel thieves?
How will Wonder Woman save astronauts from a fiery death?
And why aren't those fruit pies burning up on re-entry? What the hell are they made out of, and why did we cover the space shuttle in heat resistant tiles when we could have just covered it in apple pies instead?
Hostess snack cakes helped Captain Marvel prevent an alien invasion:
helped Spider-Man find love:
and once even saved Thor from a family of rampaging hillbillies:
which, I've heard, could be the plot of the upcoming "Thor II".
Hostess snack cakes helped Hawkman quell a riot:
helped Green Arrow rescue some endangered schoolchildren:
helped Captain America rescue Nick Fury:
and helped Aquaman clean up a beach and save the suntan lotion and bikini industries:
Hostess snack cakes are part of the fabric of America, one of our many icons, and once they even helped Batman save our American icons:
from the Pigeon Person, who was stealing all of our statues, possibly to poop on. (Don't look at me like that. When have you seen a pigeon do anything with a statue BESIDES poop on it?)
So, where does this leave us? What will become of us in this new, harsh, Twinkie-free world?
We'll be fine. Calm down, people, and for the love of God, stop buying Twinkies for $40 a box on e-bay. Hostess will be auctioned off, someone will buy the brands, and you'll see Twinkies and Ding Dongs and Wonderbread again.
In the meantime, try to avoid the impending crime wave.